thatguywiththeglassesfandomcom-20200216-history
The Purge
After the Nostalgia Critic intro, we see the Critic walking through the halls of his HQ on his phone. As he passes by the main foyer, we see Malcolm and Tamara, both carrying assault rifles and wearing giant mouse ears, walk past him and into his review room. The Critic stops, wondering if he actually saw that. He goes into the room and sees that Malcolm and Tamara are hunkering down behind an overturned table. NC: '''Usually, I'd have to take something to see shit like this. What the hell are you guys doing? '''Tamara: '''Preparing for the new law they're about to pass. '''NC: '''What law? '''Malcolm: '''The law that will abolish crime! '''NC: What law? Tamara: That will spread chaos in its wake! NC: What law? Malcolm: It will ethically destroy what humanity stands for! NC: WHAT LAW?!? Tamara: (inhales) The law that will split up Pinky and the Brain. NC: (deadpans) ... That's not a law. Tamara: Could be. NC: No it can't. Malcolm: It makes so much sense! NC: It clearly doesn't. Tamara: It seems like the road America is going down. NC: It's amazing how much it's not. Malcolm: And how would you know, Mr. Expert? NC: Because it has nothing to do with crime! Crime is about breaking the law for your own personal gain, and this amazingly has nothing to do with that! Tamara: It doesn't matter. We've set up security perimiters all around the studio just in case it causes world wind panic. As she says this, she points to the security camera in the room. The Critic takes a brief look at the camera, which has "P+B Cam" and "Nimrod Detected" on its feed. '' '''NC': I suspect it would cause worldwide indifference. Malcolm: But haven't you seen "The Purge"? NC: (irritated) PURGE?!? Fuck! That dumbass movie everybody fell for? Tamara: Hey! If that could happen, so could splitting up Pinky and the Brain! Malcolm: It's not fair. Just as they're legalizing gay marriage. NC: The Purge couldn't happen. It never could happen. And that's why it's so baffling that it's such a success! Cut to "The Purge" title card. We see brief clips of the movie as the Critic begins. NC (vo): With its sequel having come out and having it be number one again at the box office... (Cut to a poster of "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes) ...well, almost number one. Charlton Heston (vo): Damn dirty ape! NC (vo): The Purge is one of those surprise hits that literally nobody can identify with. The idea's that the not too distant future has basically abolished crime because one night a year, they make crime legal. An interesting idea for a dark satire or maybe a clever comedy, but no! The film plays it up like this could really happen! And we shouldn't let it happen because because, apparently, we're too stupid to realize it's a bad idea! Just look at how ridiculously serious it takes its advertising. The movie's trailer plays. An overtly triumphant, over-the-top version of "America the Beautiful" is heard as the movie's more violent scenes are shown. NC (vo): Yes. Nothing like a version of "Oh Beautiful" being sung to blood-gushing, innocent killing, homocidal psychotics slaughtering families. Now if a gay or ethnic person sang it, that'll be call for outrage! (A brief clip of the controversial Coca-Cola ad is shown) Hell, maybe America's more fucked up than we realize if we're dumb enough not only to take this shit seriously, but also give it a sequel! Let's see if this movie shows what the flying hell is wrong with us even if it does it in a way that wasn't intended. Cut back to the Critic, now sitting in his usual spot, with Malcolm and Tamara behind him. NC: So let's not waste any time... (He notices the two sets of fake mouse ears behind him. The Critic grabs the two rifles.) ''Will you guys knock it off?!? (''Malcolm and Tamara slink away) This is... (The Critic accidentally fires one of the guns, resulting in the duck from "Duck Hunt" falling) ..."The Purge." Tamara holds up the duck triumphantly, complete with the appropriate sound effects and music. NC (vo): We see the film opens up in the year 2022. Yup! We only have 8 years until this plan is put into place... NC: We're so close, America! It could happen any day! NC (vo): I think it's more likely that we'll be dressing like this (screenshot of Griff Tannen and his gang from Back to the Future part II) in a few months than having the purge in a few years. The movie's intro plays to silent scenes of violence over Claude Debussy's "Claire de Lune". '' '''NC (vo)': Ah, yes. And just to give you a taste of how subtle and non-pretentious this film's gonna be, here's a bunch of intense violence set to calming music. We see a few more of these scenes as the credits continue to roll. NC: Because it's irony! They don't fit together! (Ominously) But will the future know that? A scare chord is played as a caption reading "Questions!" appears. NC (vo): And just when you're wondering how an intro could be any less subtle, one hell of a puzzle piece falls into your lap. The credit for the producers of the movie appear. One of the producers is none other than Michael Bay. The screen zooms in on his name and an arrow points it out. NC (vo): Now it makes sense! '' Suddenly so many elements come together! God, I could just see good old Bay getting high off his ass one night saying... '''NC '(imitating a high Michael Bay): I want it to feel deep, but i don't want to use my brain for it. Where's that Purge script? NC (vo): The film starts off with a home security salesman named James, played by Ethan Hawke, driving home on the day of The Purge and noticing quite an unrealistic amount of people still in their neighborhoods. James Sandin (to a neighbor): Getting one last walk in before lockdown, huh? Neighbor: Yeah! James: Did you do the systems check I recommended? Neighbor: Of course! No problems. NC (vo): Uhh...if I knew crime was gonna be legal in 24 hours, I'd probably tell my family... NC: Hey gang! How about that vacation to Canada? (picture of happy Mounties) Just one of those friendly weekend visits to the Ned Flanders of North America. Though the more I think about it, it may not be the safest either. Cut to the Canadian Women's Foundation PSA. Grandma: It's a rape whistle. NC: What the fuck? Back to the movie NC (vo): People put out flowers to show they support The Purge, others talk on the radio to talk about what crimes they're gonna do... Radio DJ: Keith from Northern Virginia, what's your Purge plan? Keith: I'm gonna hunt down my boss. That son of a bitch has it coming. NC (vo): Well hopefully Keith from Northern Virginia's boss doesn't listen to the radio... fucking idiot... and even guys in lab coats explain the totally believable way The Purge works. Cut to inside a family home, specifically the Sandin household where James's wife, Mary (played by Lena Heady) watches a TV interview with a doctor labed as Dr. Peter Buynak. Dr. Buynak: We are inherently a violent species. Wars, genocide, murder. The denail of our true salves in the problem. The Purge not only contains societal violence to a single evening, but the countrywide catharsis creates psychological stability by letting us release the aggression we all have inside of us. NC (vo): Oh, or course! Terrorists, drug dealers, embezzelers, people with aggressive mental disorders, all they needed to do was just let out a little aggression! It was so simple the whole time! Good lord, do you know how many crime shows would have ended differently if we knew about that from the beginning? Cut to Walter White (played by Doug) talking to Gus Fring (played by Malcolm) Walter White: All right, Gus. If I'm going to cook for you, I need to know that you're going to kill everybody that will gat in the way of distribution. Especially yourself! Gus: Before turning to such a violent route, have you ever considered hitting a pillow? Walter White: A pillow? Gus: Yes! You'll find it strangely... relaxing. Gus holds up a pillow and Walter lightly punches it. Walter White: My god! You're right! My mental instability is suddenly leveling out! I don't even want to make meth anymore! Maybe I'll open that puppy farm. Gus: I'm glad to hear it. Now, for god's sake, please put on a pair of pants. Long shot to reveal Walter (i.e. Doug) in his underwear. Walter White: Not until you promise me a cameo in Better Call Saul! Back to the movie NC (vo): So James has a wife named Mary, played by Lena Heady, who spends most of her time fighting off jealous neighbors. One such neighbor is Grace Ferrin, played by Arija Bareikis. Grace: You know, not everyone had the year you did, Mary. You know some people are actually saying that this neighborhood payed for that new addition to your home. Mary: Are people really saying that? Grace: Relax! It's just good old fashioned neighborhood gossip. Nothing to worry about! NC '(vo as Grace): I might be passive-aggresive, but tonight I'll be aggressive-aggressive! ''The two are then greeted by a married couple in their car. This is Mr. and Mrs. Halverson, played by Chris Mulkey and Tisha French. '''Mrs. Halverson: Hi! Mr. Halverson: Oh, cookies! Hope your hungry, those cookies are crazy good! Mrs. Halverson: They're lovely! have a safe night, ladies! All four say a quick bye as the Halversons drive off. NC '''(as Mr. Halverson): Well, we established ourselves! Can't wait to obviously just for the climax! '''NC: Woven like a quilt. NC (vo): But even before The Purge, a little bit of creeping seems to be going around. The movie cuts to a low angled blurred shot of Mary in the kitchen accompanied by ominous music. Mary turns around and sees the camera, catching her scared for a breif second. She quickly laughs it off. Mary: Christ. You scared me to death. It turns out that the blurred camera happened to be a hybrid baby doll-tank-robot toy thing that looks like it was built be Sid Phillips in Toy Story. NC (vo): Yeah. You really got me there, movie. For a second I swore a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny person was going to kill her. Good fake out! This device was made by their son Charlie, as he seems to enjoy monitoring his heart rate. The family is at the dinner table. Charlie (played by Max Burkholder) is writting dwn numbers in a notebook. Charlie: I'm sorry. I forgot to take my vitals earlier. By the way, there's a slight deviation in my heart rate, but, uh, other than that, nothing to worry about. NC (vo): It's never explained why, and never comes back into the movie later, it's just something he kinda likes to do. NC: Quirks. Replacing character identity since the begining of this movie. NC (vo): They aso have a daughter named Zoey, who's moody because her dad does not approve of her 18-year-old boyfriend. Charlie: In English, I wrote a story about a man whose love is so powerful, he cuts out his own heart. Zoey '(played by Adelaide Kane): You know, he should have cut off his own penis. ''The parents are offended and start to argue. '''James: Zoey! Zoey! Mary: Eating dinner! That's not funny! James: Don't encourage her! The kids fist bump each other NC '''(vo as James): Kids, do I have to savagely mutilate you during The Purge? I'm guessing this world thinks we're good parents for some reason, but I can totally do that! '''Charlie: Guys! Look what time it is. James: Well, it's later than I thought. All right. It's time for lockdown. NC (vo): Wow! Can't believe we almost missed THAT little detail! Oh what? The Purge is starting? Pfft! Whateves! It's not like we're missing an episode of Chasing Life! Hell, the movie starts by saying it's an hor before the Purge begins. That means they have to drive home, talk to neighbors, start dinner, set the table, eat dinner, AND prepare the security system during arguable the fastest sunset the town's ever known! Call me crazy, but I wouldn't leave so little time between mental stability and death-becomes-the-new-selfie! I mean I know the rest of the world relies on the honor system by not committing crimes the rest of the year, but somebody could start early catching you off your guard, and then leave the country while the cops are shut downn! NC: Or do they "Respect The Purge" too much to break the law? The family watches an Emergency Broadcast Signal message on their TV. Female Announcer: This is not a test. Weapons of Class 4 and lower have been authorized for use during the Purge. Police, fire, and emergency medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7am. Blessed be our new founding fathers and America, a nation reborn. NC '(vo, scoffs): The new founding fathers.I'm sure these speeches these "New Founding Fathers" gave fit in just as well as the other great leaders of the past. ''Cut to archival footage of Presidental speeches. '''Franklin D. Roosevelt: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. John F. Kennedy: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. NC: Just kill some people! (an audience cheers as the Critic plays to the crowd) Right? Right? It's a good idea, right? NC (vo): And just like before, the film praises the effectiveness of the Purge but never addresses mental illness, territory disputes, drug possesion, or anything that doesn't fall under mere pent-up rage. They just say... "It works!" Newsanchor: Erradication of these so-called non-contributing members of society... James: This night saved our country. Radio DJ: Crime is down. The economy is flourishing. James: Because it works. Newsanchor: The undeniable fact is this is working. NC: That's right. The Purge works. Just like how somebody can take $65 million and apparantly make a film like Foodfight! Don't question how illogical it is, it just works! NC (vo): One of the other phrases they seem to repeat a lot in this movie is "Release the Beast" Quick montage of the phrase being said by various characters NC (vo): Quite a fine combination of words, right? NC: Oooh! I think I saw it in a Jaegermeister ad once! (Cut to said phrase in said commercial) Back to the movie, the family's surveillance video shows an injured man wandering the street. The movie credits him as Dwayne the blood stranger, played by Edwin Hodge. Dwayne: Help me! Someone please? NC (vo): We see a homeless guy trying to hide from some violent kids by... Dwayne (shouting): Can anybody hear me? NC (vo): ...screaming at the top of his lungs, that'll work... as the son decides to let him in. Charlie punches the security code on the controls and opens up the house's security gates. James and Mary look confused as the gates seemingly open out of nowhere. James: The hell? While the Critic continues we see James head to the controls to close the gates, while Charlie shouts to Dwayne to get inside, which he does right before the gates shut again. NC (vo): Yup! The little kid opens the door. It's not like the top seller of the security system would actually BE around his security system! Buddy, all that high tech gadgetry doesn't do much if you give into it's one simple design flaw. Cut to Seinfeld. Jerry '''(to Kramer): The door... (shuts the front door) MUST BE CLOSED!!! '''NC (vo): To make things worse, Zoey's boyfriend* snuck in before the lockdown and tells her that he wants to just talk to her dad about allowing him to date her. *''The boyfriend is actually named Henry, played by Tony Oller. More on this later.'' Boyfriend!Henry: Mr. Sandin? The boyfriend pulls out a gun and aims it at James. Mary: James, he has a gun! Henry has a gun! The boyfriend and james engage in a gun fight. James comes out all right, but the boyfriend gets shot. A hysterical Zoey takes her wounded boyfriend back to her room. Zoey: HENRY! HENRY! HENRY! NC '(vo as James): I still believe the Purge works, honey! ''Zoey and Boyfriend!Henry go back to her room. He's dying. 'NC '(as boyfriend!Henry): Talk went well. Hit a few bumps, but I think we can get past that. (normal vo) The boyfriend gets killed, and lo and behold, a group of young people approach the door who were chasing the homeless man down. The group's leader rings the doorbell. The security camera's show him wearing a mask. 'NC '(vo as the leader): Dick or treat! (vo) Now to this movie's credit, just when you think it's taking itself too seriously, a saving grace simply known as Henry* enters the film. And by god, he either takes absolutely none of this seriously or every single molecule of breath he takes on the set seriously! Either way, he is by far the most entertaining part of the film. Just... watch this goof. *''Add one to the fuck-up list. As it turns out, we already saw the character named Henry killed off in the previous scene. This Henry, played by Rhys Wakefield, was never named at all in the movie. He was simply credited as "Polite Leader". However, since the rest of the review has dedicated into calling the "Polite Leader" Henry, he shall be named Henry in this transcript as well.'' '''Henry: We are some fine, young, very educated guys and gals. Ready to violate and annihilate and cleanse our souls. His performance is..... very unique. So much so that it makes the Critic burst out laughing. NC '''(vo): He's got more ham than a Dr. Seuss book! '''Henry: Mr. and Mrs., the man you are sheltering is nothing but a dirty homeless pig. A grotesque menace to our just society who had the audacity to fight back. (He flashes a very cheesy smile) Please just let us Purge! The over the top performance makes the Critic laugh again. NC '''(vo): He's not gonna release the beast, he's gonna release the squee! '''Henry: If you don't deliver him by the aforementioned time, we'll release the beast on him...and on you. Henry deliver this line like a five year old trying to keep a secret to his/her parents. NC '''(mimicking Henry's expression): ....... I just farted and it's gonna smell really bad! (stifles a laugh) '''Henry: We can enter any home we want, and we will want, as well as wanting is our will on this fine night. Cut to Mars Attacks Army General: What the hell does that mean? Back to the movie Henry: You have until our provisions arrive. Provisions which will help us break into your elegant home. (He giggles) Toodeloo Sandins! Henry and his gang walk off NC (vo): Well, now we know what Macaulay Culkin does to every family who watches Richie Rich. The lights go out in the Sandin's home. NC (vo): So the kids give them an hour before they try breaking in to have them have the man over. This results in the "suspensful" part of the movie where they go through the house with the power cut by the masked kids... NC: Which would make it hard to find the guy, wouldn't it? They're obviously not gonna call the cops! NC (vo): ... And I'm not kidding, the search goes on for 15 minutes. 15 minutes of them just searching through the dark and us practically looking at nothing. I don't even know who I'm supposed to be scared for. The family, of course, are the main characters and they're chasing an injured man crying for help! Where the hell am I supposed to be afraid? All the while, the "Children of the Corny" are taunting them, I guess, by doing non-scary things that are supposed to be scary because they have masks on. We see the Purgers mugging for the camera, mimiking killing motions with their guns and knives, making out with their masks on(!?), and just other random stuff. NC '(vo as the Purgers): Well, we've tried skipping, and we've tried prancing, best continue to do a full on do-si-do! ''Henry knocks on the door again, catching James' attention '''Henry: Hey Mr. Sandin! I need you at the front door, I just need a moment, good sir. NC (vo): But thankfully in the middle of their searching, we get yet another scene from dear young Henry. Henry: Tell me, why haven't you delivered the filthy swine to me yet? Are you protecting him? I surely hope not Mr. Sandin. James: No of course not. Henry simply smiles a creepy, yet absolutely precious smile. The Critic cracks up again. NC: I'm sorry, I'm really trying! I'm trying so hard to be scared by this kid. But he's just so fucking hilarious! (vo) He's just projecting so much that he wants to be scary that it's actually kind of adorable! I just want to pinch his little supposed-to-be-frightening cheeks! Random Purger (to James): GIVE US THE HOMELESS PIG! YOU FUCK--- Henry nonchalantly shoots the random Purger Henry: Sorry about that. I don't condone that kind of behavior. So now heed, or that (points to dead Purger) will be thee. NC '''(vo): Yeah, come on! You can trust a face like that on a night where all crime is legal. How can this go awry? '''James: I'll go get him. Henry: You should do that. NC '''(vo): Why are they even blowing all their time on this one damn house? They have one night of the year to do whatever the hell they want, and yet they spend it like fifth graders who just found out they have cameras on their phones. '''NC: What person would spend so much time to get into a person's house for such a weak reason? At that moment, Malcolm peaks in the room Malcolm: Uh, Critic? You might want to take a look at this. The Critic and Malcolm go back to where Tamara is. She is staring dumbfounded at the security monitor. The Critic chases Tamara away and sits down at the main console himself. It turns out that standing outside their front door is none other than Film Brain, sporting a very Herny-esque smile on his face. NC: Film Brain? Film Brain: Hello, Mr. Critic. I heard you were reviewing (takes out the DVD) The Purge. NC: Yeah, what about it? Film Brain: You are aware that I reviewed the film on my Projector series and... I was rather surprised that you didn't ask me to do a crossover with you. NC: I just did a crossover, Film Brain. If I did another one, It'd be too repetitive. Film Brain: Mr. Critic, the film you are watching is a dirty, brainless pile. A film that has the audacity to exist in our... cultured, film-going society. And it deserves to be eradicated. Brutally. Painfully. Cripplingly. NC: Jeez, you really wanted to review this with me. Tamara '''(whispers): This is what happens when you try to split up Pinky and the Brain. '''NC: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!? Film Brain: Mr. Critic, I just want to splurge as I am so entitled! Oh please, let me splurge! NC: Film Brain, I'm sorry, I can't do two in a row. Maybe another review in the future? Film Brain: Oh, I understand, of course. But the ten tons of dynamite I laid around your office... does not! (he holds up a detonator) (NC, Malcolm and Tamara gasp) Tamara: I thought this place smelled dynamitey! NC: Film Brain! What the hell? Film Brain: That's right! I'm bonkers now! And if you don't do a crossover with me, I'm gonna detonate your asses sky high with my mobile phone! (giggles madly) Malcolm: Your cell phone's the detonator? Film Brain: Oh yeah! There's an app for that now! And I must be allowed to comment on this film's cheesiness. Just allow me to unleash the cheese! NC: All right! All right, Film Brain. Just give me time to write something up. Film Brain: How long, Mr. Critic? NC: A commercial break, maybe? Film Brain: Very well. But do not disappoint me! Film Brain grins maldy. NC: ... Anything else? Film Brain: No. I'm just allowing my scary performance to sink in! Everyone groans NC: Fine. Film Brain: Toodeloo, Critic! Film Brain slinks away, but bumps into a wall. He quickly recovers and continue waving as he leaves Malcolm: You have to do a crossover. NC: I can't! It'd be too redundant! Malcolm: You'd risk your own life for that? NC: Trust me, I have an issue about being redundant. Casper: TIMING! The NC slaps Casper away. Tamara: What are we gonna do then? The three see Film Brain mugging to the security camera. As they continue to worry about their situation, we cut to commercial. We come back from commercial with the Critic returning to his chair. NC (calling off screen): Is he doing anything? Cut to Malcolm and Tamara at the security control panel Malcolm: Not really. He's kind of skipping and prancing about. Tamara: I think he's too distracted about how evil he's trying to be. To be sure, Film Brain is shown goofing of in front of the camera NC: Good. I'm gonna keep reviewing while you guys think of a plan. Malcolm: Right! (he whispers to Tamara) First we not tell him about the spitting up of Pinky and the Brain. NC: THEY'RE NOT SPLITTING UP!!! Back to the movie NC (vo): They do eventually catch the guy, but something convinces them not to hand him over. And I use the word something because I literally have no idea what it is that convinces them not to do it! The daughter says nothing will be the same; Hell! Even the guy offers to hand himself over to end all the trouble... Dwayne: Save your children. Take me outside. NC (vo): And yet for some reason, they decide to reneg! I'm not saying that what they're doing isn't the right thing, I'm just saying their explanation of how they came to that conclusion is about as solid as... James (from earlier): Because it works. NC: Logic? BLEGH!!! It just works. NC (vo): The teens are done waiting and decide it's time to start breaking in. Henry: You failed to deliver the homeless swine! THAT PIECE OF FILTH THAT YOU ARE PROTECTING EXISTS ONLY TO SERVE OUR NEED TO PURGE!!! Henry goes from angry rage to a friendly, silent laugh in the blink of an eye. The Critic covers his head with his hat and cracks up again. Henry: So I bid thee farewell, sweet Sandins. NC: Can we just give this guy his own reality show? Like "Survive a Conversation without Squirting Milk Through your Nose"? (Picture of Henry and a guy squirting milk through his nose to... illustrate the image) Or NO! A Saturday morning show! A Saturday morning show where Henry reads to children! Please god, somebody make that happen! Or better yet, how about a skit! :-D Announcer (Malcolm): Coming to ABC Family, "Reading With Henry". Light, French-style music plays over the title card, cut to Henry (Jim Jaroz) in front of a pure black background. Henry: Hello, children. Let's look at "Baby's First Mythos." The pleasant music is replaced by suspenseful music as Henry starts. Henry: C is for Cthulhu who sits in his palace in R'yleh. One sight of whom would leave most of us.... (Henry starts laughing silently) Gibbering... Drooling... and Screaming! Just let us Puuuuurge! The pleasant music returns as the screen freezes on Henry's face and the ABC Family logo reappears Announcer: Coming this fall to ABC Family! Back to the movie NC (vo): So they break down the high-tech security system... which was amazingly easy to do... NC: How the fuck do these guys stay in business? NC (vo): ...And the teens come in for the search. And apparently the search includes slow-motion skipping down the hallway. NC (vo, whispers): It's scary because they're taking something dark and evil and making it innocent and fun. We had to run that in slow-mo just to make sure it wasn't so subtle. But just to make sure it isn't, let's play this over it, too! The over-the-top version of "America the Beautiful" from the trailer is played over the scene, along with the words "AMERICA" on the bottom of the screen and the Critic himself in the upper-left hand corner dancing along over-dramatically. Meanwhile, the Sandins are still hiding in fear as the Purgers start to close in on them. Category:Content Category:Guides